Today I started my day like every other day.

Made coffee. Said hello to my co-workers. One of the best things about my job is that there are usually only three people in the building when I get there. I don’t have to be on for 2 hours.

Filled my cup of coffee, that is the size of a soup bowl, I’ve been told. My boss makes fun of me. And went to my office, hit play on voicemail, and started writing down messages.

Today was a light day. Only 19.

All of them are run of the mill. (It’s 1:30 am. I almost spelled that meal).

Except.

A message from Cornelius. We’ll call him Cornelius because that’s his name. He has called to let me know that he is calling from American Express Centurion Membership.

I just knew he was calling from Amex.

Until 30 seconds ago I did not know what this was. This is an invitation only Black Amex card. Uber wealthy people.

Anyway.

Cornelius is calling to tell me that he has made a reservation for Mr. Douglas. The reservation he made was for 6 people at 5:30 on Friday but in fact it needs to be for 12 people. It’s okay to push two tables together or we may seat the guest near each other at the same time. He finishes by saying he made a note of all of this on the reservation.

My head explodes.

Literally.

I look up the reservation.

“There will be a total of 12 guests. Two separate tables for 6 guests is what we need.”

My head explodes again.

At this point a notification pops up on my computer.

Cornelius has followed up with an email.

It states all the same information. Reservation for 6 but there will really be 12. Two tables is okay.

At this point my head explodes again.

I take a deep breath.

I’ll call Cornelius. I might mention at this point he did not leave a number with his voicemail.

I look at the reservation. It’s the number for the guest. Hmmmm. I think better of getting Cornelius in trouble. His email has a number to call. Telling me I’ll need The last five digits of Mr Douglas’ card to identify him. Fun fact. I don’t have this number.

I call the phone number.

It’s Amex. Press 1 for this. Press 2 for that. I pick a number that seems appropriate but not really for me.

A recorded voice answers and let’s me know that the approximate wait will be 35 minutes. I laugh. That ain’t happening. I’m contemplating what to do when I’m given the option to leave a call back number and save my place in line.

I do this.

I hang up.

I re read the email.

I decide to respond. I let Cornelius know that we don’t accept reservations by email (because it’s a back and forth with times and areas of the restaurant) so he’ll need to call the restaurant. I also let him know that because we can’t secure the table until we talk I’m canceling the 6 top reservation to release the table.

I hit send.

Cornelius will be out out of the office till Oct 4.

I’m reading this when an out of area number calls.

It’s Cornelius.

He starts by telling me I’m on a recorded line.

I think to myself. GREAT. THIS WILL BE DOCUMENTED.

He proceeds to tell me about six different lies.

I push back on all of them.

No it does not say leave instructions for parties of six or more. It says call the restaurant. No it does not say this. No it does not say that.

He finally stops talking and says okay.

He starts to act like a normal person and we make a reservation for 12 people at 5:00 on Friday.

End of the call.

Except for the three follow up calls from Amex.

Then.

Around 8:00 I get a call from an out of area number.

Guess who?

It’s Cornelius.

Mr Douglas doesn’t like his 5:00 reservation. He wants a 6:00 reservation.

I explain that because of the reservation behind them, there won’t be enough time for 12 people to eat.

He asks for the original reservation for 6 people at 5:30.

It’s no longer available.

He’s perplexed.

I tell him to check in with the guest and let know what he wants.

Who knows if they’ll even show.

But seriously.

How the fuck does the travel component of American Express not know you can’t just add a tag line to a reservation and add 6 people.

No wonder Joe Public thinks it’s okay.