Let’s talk about large parties.

Parties of 8 or more.

First off.

No server likes you. They work twice as hard as they have to for parties of 4 or less. There’s a reason most restaurants add gratuity to these parties. People tip less when its a big party. My worst experience? I made 14 bucks off a group of sorority girls once. 16 girls. This was before adding gratuity was a thing. 480 dollar check. Most of the tip was in coins.

Most restaurants like big tops only a little more than the servers like them. It slows down the kitchen and can even bring things to a halt depending on how and when they order. They would prefer a bunch of two or four tops.

So let’s start with the reservation…

Every restaurant is limited to the size party they can take. Based on their occupancy and table sizes. Sometimes because of the limits of their staff.

For my current restaurant it’s 12. This is a number we came up with as a team. It’s the largest number we can seat at one table. It’s also the number that doesn’t kill the kitchen and bring the restaurants ability to get food out to a halt.

When you call to make a reservation and ask for 13, 14, 17, 19, 22 people the answer is no. We don’t have tables that can accommodate you.

And before you ask no. We can’t seat you at two eight tops. I mean. Yes we could. But here’s why we don’t.

8 and 8 is still 16. To make you happy we need to seat you at the same time. So we just sat a 16 top.

To make us happy we are going to seat 8 of you at 5:00. And 8 of you at 5:30. Which you might even agree to. But now instead of staying 2+ hours you are all going to stay until you’re ALL done. Which is 3+ hours. The other thing you’ll do is float between tables which is disruptive to the people around you.

I also hit on another reason we don’t like big parties. They sit and sit and sit. Sometimes for the whole night. 12 people at one table over four hours is 750 dollars. 6 two tops over 90 minutes is also 750 dollars. But I can seat the tables two more times.

So we say no.

End of story.

To book a reservation of six or more at my restaurant we ask that you call the restaurant. This perplexes some people. So instead of calling, they’ll book 3 four tops. And every time they are scattered around the restaurant at different times. And every time they call to ask that the tables be near each other and to change the times. And now I’m annoyed so I seat them as far from each other as I can. Especially since I can seat 6 large parties at any given time. Just fucking call.

When making the reservation, if the restaurant is trying to maximize seating, you are absolutely never, ever, ever going to get a 6:30 reservation. We only book 2 tops and bar reservations between 6 and 7. We are a small restaurant and if I seat your 8 top at 6:30 I can only get one turn. But. If I seat you at 5:30 I can reseat your table at 8:00. Two turns. Twice as much money.

Now for your responsibility:

The reservation time is not a suggestion. It’s also NOT just so we can seat the table twice. It’s to keep the restaurant running smoothly.

Here’s what happened tonight.

10 top birthday party sat at 5:00 tonight. Almost everyone was on time. BUT. Turns out they were actually going to be 11 people. No big deal. The table will hold 12.

But person number 11 is going to be 60 minutes late AND they are going to wait to order till she is there.

Meanwhile.

30 minutes later an 8 top is sat. Same server. They are on time and moving along. They are ready to order dinner. BUT. So is the 11 top. So which table gets to order first? Who is going to sit patiently especially since taking an order and putting it in the computer is time consuming? Not to mention the kitchen was fully expecting to be cooking the 11 top 20 minutes ago. The first table has slowed down the process. They also aren’t going to be gone now so we can seat the 7:30 reservation.

This happens all the time. 5:30 reservation and people roll in for the next 30 minutes. This is why some restaurants won’t seat you till everyone is there. This makes it your inconvenience. Not theirs.

And dinner has come and gone.

And it’s time to pay the check.

Tonight.

Said 11 top had 11 separate checks.

Ugh!!!!

This is going to take forever to process. The server is going to spend 10 minutes making it happen. Which means that they aren’t helping the 8 top who sat on time and is one check.

Also.

Big tops are loud and annoy other guests.

Big tops regularly order less per person than small tops.

Big tops very often have that one person we won’t call a Karen.

And yet.

Saturday night I have six big tops between 5 and 6. And six big tops between 8 and 9. And we execute them well. And they have a good time. And we are glad you have chosen our restaurant to celebrate your birthday, anniversary, retirement, celebration of life. But, please learn to be a good guest. Be on time. Be nice. Be courteous. Have one check and Venmo your friends.

And to quote my mother: Don’t over stay your welcome.

When I tell you NO I’m not being rude.

Last night an older couple waltzed in at 5:30. I asked if they had reservations and they confirmed they did.

Smith. Party of 2. 5:30. At the bar.

I look. There is no reservation for the Smiths.

I double check. I ask for the phone number because maybe they have the wrong date. I ask if they have the text we send to confirm. They don’t have their phones.

They never have their phones.

I explain I don’t have the reservation. They insist they made it.

I ask all the questions. Did you get a text. Did you give your credit card. Did you hit submit. Did you get reminders.

They always insist that they did.

Of course they did not.

The iPad doesn’t lie. (Perhaps that’s the title of my posts).

I explain I can only seat them on the patio.

They insist I seat them at the bar.

Unfortunately that is not in the cards. The bar is booked. It’s Saturday night. At 5:30. I won’t have an open seat till around 8:00.

I tell them this and ask if they’d like to come back at 8:00 or sit on the patio. They take the patio.

I book them in and send them to the patio.

End of story.

Except.

When you book a reservation with our system, you are asked to complete a survey after your meal is marked done by us on the iPad.

They completed the survey.

They complimented the service. The food. The ambience.

They did not compliment the host. I challenged them on their reservation and this made them uncomfortable. I should have been nicer. Especially because they are older and live on the most expensive street in town.

The truth is. I only told them no. At no time did they accept that the mistake was theirs. It was only my problem to fix.

We accommodated them. But it was not enough. I don’t know how to make it enough. Meanwhile, family after family after family come through and love everything about the experience including the maitre d, the host, the dining room manager at the front door.

Remind me to tell you sometime about how they respond when it’s not a middle aged man at the door.

I really really really don’t want to say no.

To quote a bartender.

Service is my life.

I love, love, love to make it work.

But sometimes the answer is no.

Last night.

The answer was. No.

Let’s pretend that my restaurant is located in a coastal town with lots of high end resorts.

These resorts are very expensive and their guests are very demanding. I know from experience they are rarely told no.

These guest will arrive and request that the concierges make reservations at various restaurants round town. My restaurant being one of them.

And so said employees of these resorts will start calling my restaurant and will continue to call until their shift ends. They hardly ever leave a message. Yesterday someone from a resort called at least 17 times. And never left a message. I know they call because of the magic of caller ID. I’m on the phone when they call before 5:00. I’m greeting people when they call after 5:00.

Today it was another resort who called. They too never left a message.

Fun fact. Call once. Leave a message including what resort you are calling from and who the guest is.

Because when I call back it won’t be you who answers and no one else will know that the Smiths needed a reservation. PS. Often it’s central reservations who answers not someone at the property.

Also, get a phone number that will get me to a person. Today I called and was not given the option to leave a message, only the option to hold for the next available operator. I have 37 messages to return. I can’t be on hold for 10 minutes.

And last of all. Do not call during service to make a reservation a month from now. Call during service if you are desperate to get someone in tonight. If you need a table in six weeks call and leave a message. I promise I will call you back.

Also don’t be angry when I ask for a credit card for the reservation. One resort had a series of reservations for guests who never showed for dinner. So we require a credit card now to hold their tables.

We want to help you. We know you. We are friends. We also want to take the reservation because it’s how we make money. But seriously. Call once. Leave a message. I will call you back. You’ll get the reservations you require. And you don’t have to keep dialing. Think of the other work you can get done if you don’t spend 45 minutes calling me over and over.

Musical chairs part 2:

While the week days at work are quieter, the weekends are still very much hopping. Tonight was no exception. Continuous flow of people starting at 5:00. And along with the people who had reservations, we had a fair amount of walk-ins.

Walk-ins for the new readers are people who come in without a reservation.

I’ll spend time looking at ways to move things around. Seats in chairs is how we pay our bills.

Tonight a man walks in with a woman around 7:00. He’s looking for a table with no reservation. The lobby is filled with people waiting to be seated. Three groups with reservations that just need a body to take them to their table. Two or three groups who are walk-ins waiting to see if I can accommodate them. I add them to the queue and start seating folks.

Six minutes later everyone is in a chair. I’ve found a place for everyone.

30 seconds later I’m called to table G-8. The man who arrived last. He’s unhappy with his table. I go back to the table and he’s expressing his dismay. I explain that his options are this table or bar stools. He stays put.

I go back to the host stand.

30 seconds later I’m confronted by him in the lobby. He pulls me into the dining room, points at all of the empty tables and asks why he can’t have one of them.

I explain they are all booked with reservations.

He then pulls out wad of cash and wants to know how much a “real” table will cost???

I say that I can’t.

He pulls out a bill and offers it to me.

At this point I’m a little offended.

It’s a $20.

20 bucks. 20 bucks is not even close to being worth the headache that giving a table awayvwould be worth.

To quote a bartender I know “It needs to be a C note if they want their pole greased”.

I say no again.

At which point he gets annoyed and asks if he can sit at the cocktail table in the lobby.

At this point I don’t care. People are piling up In the lobby again.

I say yes. Sit here.

He gets his mother. They sit. They order.

Every time I walk by he tries to talk to me.

I’m busy seating people.

He keeps trying to talk to me.

Finally I stop.

He asks again about a table in the dining room.

At this point their appetizers have arrived.

Ugh. Please. Stop it.

I go back to the host stand.

I look at the book. I can move things around and get him a table.

I offer. He accepts. He moves to his third table of the evening.

And that’s the end of the story.

Of course, if I’d been him I would have ponied up the $20 bucks.

He did not.

I remind myself that I did it for the pleasure of being nice to people not for the money.

But sometimes, it’s nice to be able to buy myself something pretty after being nice.

Hi all:

I called Michael back today.

Only once.

He was a perfectly pleasant.

Normal.

He made a reservation for two at the bar for tonight. At 6:00.

He arrived at 5:55. Once again. Completely normal. Asked if by chance there might be a table instead of the bar. I was able to accommodate him.

He was seated.

Didn’t see him again.

He was a little old to think it was a first date. So maybe it was his anniversary and he had forgotten to make a reservation.

Nevertheless, I lived to report back!

Two things happened tonight that I want to comment on.

First.

A man called around 5:45 and left an angry message, which he ended by saying, “It would be nice if a fucking human being answered instead of a machine”.

I was angry when I heard the message. In fact I picked up the phone and hit dial. It went to voice mail. I’m not sure what I was going to say.

After I hung up, I thought to myself. Isn’t his comment true of most of the things in our life. I wish it wasn’t quicker to do self-checkout. I used to like the interaction with the lady at Hannaford. I wish that I didn’t have to maneuver through six pages of prompts before speaking to someone at my doctor’s office. I wish that a guy still pumped my gas. I wish the redemption center with the guys who took the cans out of my car were still open. I wish a 16-year-old boy would take my groceries to the car for me. I wish McDonald’s didn’t force you to use kiosks in some of their outlets. Yes, human interaction is nice. At least for me.

For my boyfriend, not so much. He loves scanning and bagging his own groceries. He loves using the kiosk at McDonald’s. I don’t think he knows what a redemption center is, so that doesn’t bother him either.

For me the message alluded to the fact that we (and I really mean me) are not doing our jobs. The man clearly thinks I’m in the office just ignoring his calls. I am not. We are not. I answer the phone whenever I can. Sometimes to the detriment of the people in front of me. It’s really beneficial to the business to answer the phone. So don’t be bitchy when I can’t.

We have tried for three months now, to hire an admin. Someone to do light office work, but mostly answer the phones from 2 until 7. That person does not currently exist in our world. So. I answer the phone. Sometimes on your first try. Sometimes on your 32nd try. But probably not your 68th time.

Which brings me to part two of tonight’s post.

Stop fucking calling!!!

Tonight, at 4:50 as we unlocked the door, the phone began to ring. As it is wont to do. This is not uncommon. I began to seat the guests who came through the door. And the phone continues to ring. As it rings I unconsciously, hit the white button on the upper left part of the phone that silences it. I do this throughout the night. Occasionally, I WILL look at the phone and thus I see who is calling. I do try and notice if it’s an upcoming reservations, in case someone needs to change something. This was not the case tonight.

And the phone rings. At some point I see it’s Michael (lets call his last name Finch). And then I notice it’s him again. And again. This too is not unusual. Everyone calls two or three times hoping to finally get someone. However. The phone continues to ring. It continues to be Michael. This goes on until around 7:45 when I get a break and finally answer. He says he’s trying to book a table for the weekend. I start to look up the date, when a family walks in. I tell him I need to put him on a brief hold and I do. I seat the party. When I come back. He’s gone.

And the phone continues to ring. And it continues to be Michael. And I realize that he’s left six messages at this point and continues to call. I also know his request is not urgent so I decide to see what happens.

The phone continues to ring.

And ring.

And ring.

And ring.

And ring.

And ring.

We close at 8:30.

The phone continues to ring.

I go into the office to do work.

The phone continues to ring.

At one point I decide to count how many times Michael has called. I can’t do this however, as his continuing phone calls interrupt my time on Caller ID.

The phone continues to ring.

I go into the dining room.

It rings.

I go talk to Joe on the line. It rings. I ask him if he hears it, as I’m about to tell him what’s going on. He instead tells me that I’m losing my mind and wants to know if I’m going to become Jack Torrance and start saying “All work and NO play makes Jeff a dull boy!”

He can’t hear the phone but it’s still ringing.

Around 10:00 it finally stopped. Our Caller ID only records the last 50 calls. All but two were from Michael. This was from 7:46 to 10:00. He started around 5:00 so I’m guessing around 100 calls.

This felt a lot like an obsessed boyfriend. (I would not know about this!).

I sort of kind of maybe feel like at some point I should have answered. But after the first 50 calls I wanted to see how it all played out. Seriously, who spends five hours of the evening, just hitting redial on their phone?

Oh.

I forgot to mention. At some point, he switched numbers he was calling from because the Caller ID recorded M. Finch at one point instead of Michael Finch.

To be honest, it was kind of creepy.

Tune in Wednesday, when I report back on my returning his six messages.

Word on the street is that my post from last night was less than stellar. The lack of comments and likes proved the point. Two weeks in and the critics are harsh.

Truth be told I knew it was lame. It was late. The only thing annoying that happened was the late table. It was a good night. Will people read posts about the nice people I deal with on a daily basis?

Let’s see.

At 7:45 a woman comes through the front door and says please, please, please tell me you can take six people.

I ask when.

Trust me. Tonight is never assumed. Sometimes they mean next Thursday.

She says tonight!

I say let me take a look!

Two points to be made here.

First: Who the fuck waits till 7:45 on Saturday night of Labor Day weekend to figure out their dining plan?

Two: If the host says let me take a look it means there’s a chance. If they don’t look it means they already know there’s not a chance in hell of getting you seated.

I look. What I assume to be true appears to in fact be true.

I ask her to wait there while I confirm my suspicion.

I walk to the dining room and discover table G2 is in fact empty. Just waiting to be wiped and reset. There is no second turn on the table.

I go back to the door, tell her yes to give us five minutes and we’ll have it ready.

She then explains that I’ve saved her life as she has her two kids, her husband and her very elderly parents with her. She’s very happy.

I say great and then also tell her she can come in the secret back door after they park as it will be closer to the table.

She leaves. I grab menus. Find their server, explain to her that they’ll be coming through the back door and go back to my post.

End of story.

But wait.

There’s more.

At the end of the evening when more than 50% of our guests are gone I grab a soda water (400 days still no Diet Coke) and sit at the chef’s table. I’m available for questions and comps and voids from the staff. Often the chef joins me and we debrief from the night. Or we shoot the shit about our lives. Tonight was no different.

I’m sitting there, when a woman walks up to me and says thanks again for saving my life. It takes a full 30 seconds of looking at her to remember who she is. At the same time the server says, we were almost neighbors twenty years ago in NYC.

I LOVE NYC PEOPLE!

(As I say this I can hear Adam Beckworth grunt as he hates it when I do this when we’re out).

It’s fun to share stories, tell how I got to Maine etc. Tonight was no different. I say where did you live in NYC? I lived there years ago. And we begin to chat. Which leads me to saying I used to live in Fort Green, near BAM. And she gets excited and says her theater company used to be right there. This leads to further conversation about her company, that I was a lighting designer and, and then we stumble onto grad school. I mention that I went to UCSD. She gets excited and mentions a few people she knows from there.

This goes on and she explains she’d love to talk more but they have to go.

As she starts to leave her husband appears to also thank me. She says to him don’t talk to him (me) or you’ll be here forever. She explains why and ten minutes later her husband is still there.

She tells about the UCSD connection and he mentions that a friend of his teaches there. Woman named Lisa. I get super excited because I love, love, love Lisa. We talk another five or six or 40 minutes.

This continues and finally the wife looks at me and says, you look my age. I bet your on Facebook. She says she’s going to go home and look me up.

We all shake hands and they leave.

And it was a great meeting. I helped someone out. They appreciated it. I might have made a new friend.

Only one person was rude to me tonight. I was going to write about him. But I decided I didn’t want to give him any more energy. At least tonight. He is on my list at work though to write about later.

Sondheim: When going to hide, know how to get there. And how to get back!

Fun fact! My restaurant is in the middle of nowhere. I remember three years ago (our birthday was yesterday) when I read about the restaurant thinking this is a bad idea, especially in its location.

Turns out it was a great idea.

The point is, we are 3 miles from the center of town. We are seriously in the middle of nowhere. We are in the middle of nowhere in a town that is essentially the middle of nowhere.

People come to visit from all over the world. Most of them from metropolitan areas. You know what metropolitan areas have? Cabs. Taxis. Ubers. Lyfts. Subways. Buses.

You know what restaurants in the middle of nowhere that are in the middle of nowhere towns have? None of the above.

At least once a week someone gets to our restaurant and then realizes they have no ride home. This has happened two or three times since I’ve worked there. A couple of times employees have driven people to their hotels. A couple of times the manager of the hotel has had to come get them which happens when all of the hotels are luxury resorts.

So tonight we finish service around 9:00.

Around 9:30 I plant myself at the chef’s table as I usually do, to wait for the evening to wrap up. As the evening progresses, servers give me their cash outs, I check in with people and say thank you to guests as the leave.

Unintentionally, I eves drop on the other chefs table and realize they don’t have transportation to wherever they are going. It’s approaching 10:00 and they are frantically trying to determine when their ride will be here.

They approach the bar and order another round of drinks. Then more frantic searching.

I’m listening to all of this.

I hear them say that their Uber will be here in 40 minutes. It’s now 10:25. All the tables are gone. All but two servers are gone.

They finish their drinks and get up.

Yay. Movement.

They move to the lobby and make themselves at home. It’s pushing 11:00 now. I can’t leave till they leave.

To cut the story short it’s around 11:30 before they leave.

They are lucky their ride showed up. Many, many, many times the Uber/cab never shows. Tonight would have sucked because no one and I mean no one would have helped.

They are lucky things turned out the way they did.

Finally they are on their way. To who knows where. We are all happy because all of us were questioning who was going to get them home.

So.

Have a plan. Always, always, always have a plan to get home.

Today was about the telephone.

I got to work and there were 37 messages on line 1.

PS. We use an old school phone with a digital answering machine attached.

There were five messages on line 2.

I start my day by making coffee. There is no way to hit play till my cup is filled. While the coffee is brewing I count the deposits from the day before. Make sure I haven’t missed an important email. Pour coffee into my Hershey mug that the size of a soup bowl.

I turn the page on my notebook.

I hit play.

I write down the messages as they play. Name and number from caller ID. Short hand for why they are calling.

John Smith. 207 555 6302.

2 pp @ 6pm on 9/15.

Outside only.

Sam Jones 603 555 4532

8—-6 Saturday @ 7:30. (Moving from 8 to 6 people)

It goes on. And on. And on.

The first messages are from the previous evening. Starting around 4:30 until around 9:30.

I’m about six messages in when there is a call from Joe, who says I’ve already called once tonight, (it’s true I’ve got his messages written down) and it would be great if someone could call me back on the day I call.

Hmmm.

The very next message is from Kate who says she’s called multiple times and no one ever calls her back.

It’s true she called around 5:15. It’s now 7:30.

Hmmmm

I finish taking down the messages.

Then I refill my cup.

And I start calling people back. I’m annoyed because I’ve been accused of not calling people back. I literally spend three hours of my day on the phone. I have every message saved in my notebook. Kate has never left a message before. I’ve gone back and checked.

I get to Joe on the list and I take a deep breath. He was annoyed on the machine. Who knows how he will be on the phone.

I dial.

He answers.

And he’s the sweetest person I’ve talked to all day.

It’s easy to be nice to him. I make his reservation and we are good. I end by assuring him if he leaves a message I will always call back at least by the next day.

I call Kate next. She’s less sweet. I breathe and kill her with kindness. She too is in my hand when I hang up, her reservation having been made.

I finish my list.

There are now 8 more messages to respond to.

This continues till I move from my office to the host stand because I have a meeting with a friend who’s come to give me some advice on events. It’s now 4:06.

The shift starts, and around 6:00 there are two groups waiting to be seated when several people walk in. I assess that it’s three two tops all wanting to sit at the bar. None of them with reservations.

I greet the first party. The woman comes in strong. She lets me know she’s called twice today and no one has answered. I ask her if she left a message and initially she says yes. I ask what time snd she says around 3:30. I explain that that’s impossible because I checked the messages and returned them all.

She back peddles.

Okay she didn’t leave a message. Because the message picks up and no one ever calls her back anyway.

I push back about being here for three months and I’ve called everyone back.

She then says she did leave a message.

I ask what time. She can’t decide.

Then her husband gets involved, voiced raised, about the whole system sucking.

I should point out at this point, while we are conversing I’m still trying to find everyone a spot. It’s not like I’m just being difficult.

I start to say that if they give me just a second I can get them seated, when the husband explodes. Yelling at me about how they are locals, and can never come back.

I ask why they can never come back and he says because we never fucking answer our phone.

The wife looks at me and says “… you were about to say something…”.

I shrug because the husband is gone. Flipping me off as he leaves.

She leaves and I promptly pick up menus snd seat both of the other parties waiting for the bar. It was really just a matter of giving me two seconds to move things around to find them a spot.

I could have sat them all if they had been less aggressive and a little more patient.

Seriously. When you approach the host stand if they don’t say no immediately there is a good chance they have a solution. Give them a chance to help you.

Also, leave a fucking message. No one can help you if you don’t give them a chance.