Birthdays are the fucking worst.

There I said it.

Why you ask?

Well.

First.

Chain restaurants have made everyone believe they are special for being born.

My old boss used to say everyone has a birthday, Why should that cost me money.

Second.

No one over the age of 3 is surprised by a dessert being brought to the table with a candle.

Here’s the deal.

It’s a pain. Your server has to be told. If we catch it. And I appreciate that you told me on the way to the table but we are knee deep in people and I’m easily distracted.

Also, not every restaurant has a person in the kitchen who is skilled at writing messages in chocolate on your plate.

And, if the birthday girl absolutely doesn’t want dessert what are we supposed to do?

We don’t give free desserts. So if no one orders dessert we are really in a pickle.

So, tell your waiter. Order dessert. Don’t be super sneaky. The person knows it’s their birthday. They are 50. The reason you are all together is because it’s their birthday.

And don’t yell at me when we forget. Do you know who specializes in birthdays? Chuckie Cheese. Go there.

Please!