Birthdays are the worst. The absolute fucking worst.

First.

Half of the world thinks you deserve something free on your birthday. Dessert. Dinner. An app.

Another half run around being all sneaky so you can deliver a dessert with a candle as if Burt didn’t know you were there celebrating his birthday. It’s just a coincidence that you invited him to dine with you on his birthday.

Others want a birthday song. Bennigan’s ruined it for us. Happy Happy Birthday. Ugh.

At the Hard Rock we did shout outs.

Screaming as loud as you could.

CAN I HAVE EVERYONE’S ATTENTION. THIS IS SALLY. TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY. ON THE COUNT OF THREE WERE GOING TO WISH HER HAPPY BIRTHDAY. ONE. TWO. THEEE!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Today a woman comes in and says she’s here for her reservation. She’s early.

She then explains it’s her friends birthday and wants to know if we do desserts?

What does that even mean?

No. We are an upscale restaurant but if you want dessert you have to drive they Dunkin Donuts.

Do you mean free desserts? No. We don’t give you free stuff for being born.

Order dessert. Tell your server. They’ll put a candle in your chocolate cake.

Oh.

And yes.

You may bring in your own dessert. Be it cake. Cupcakes. Cheesecake. Pie. Scones. Hershey bars. Ice cream.

But there will be a $5 plating charge. Not because we do anything. But to cover the coat of you NOT ordering dessert from us.

So have a birthday.

We all do.

But know, we won’t give you anything free. We won’t do a shout out, unless you give me $20, but we will give you a candle.