Want to know what takes up more of a server’s time than it should?

Want to know one of the more irritating things a server has to deal with?

Want to know one of the things that piss us all off a lot?

People who fight over who is going to pay.

Back in 1902 I lived in Atlanta. I always tell people it was before Lenox Mall had a 2nd story.

I had just come out of the closet. I hung out a lot with my friends. And even back then, you either threw your share into the pile, or you just paid knowing someone would get you next time.

A friend I had back then once said to me, if someone offers to pay, don’t argue, don’t put up a fight. Say thank you gracefully, and it’s on you to pay next time.

I lived my life like that since 1902.

But you would not believe the arguments, the hassle, the pain in the neck it is with people insisting they get to pay.

Since someone put me in charge (actually it was true when I waited tables) whomever asks first gets to pay.

End of discussion.

No you can’t tip me extra.

No you won’t get me fired.

No I don’t want to hear why.

The other dude at your table gave me his credit card an hour ago. He gets to pay.

Sorry.

Ask earlier next time.

And.

The thing that most annoys me???

Money isn’t even a thing with most of the people. They have a yacht in their back yard. They have three summer homes. They have a private chef and a personal assistant. They have a driver. Their every day car is a Bentley.

Take the money you wanted to spend on dinner and give it to a homeless family.

Allergies.

Allergies are like service dogs.

You never know if the guest will actually die if they eat a peanut or if they just hate the texture.

Unfortunately, people are willing to lie to get what they want.

Reminds me of working in NYC waiting on two women. One of them was vegan. The Hard Rock Cafe was not known for its vegan choices, but after what seemed like an eternity I had an order.

It arrived. She ate it. All was good.

After I cleared their dishes, I came by to ask about dessert.

She immediately ordered the apple cobbler with vanilla ice cream. And upon delivery devoured the entire thing on her own.

Tonight, a server had a table of four sat in the second turn. She greeted them and discovered that one of the men had a shellfish allergy.

As I mentioned you can’t ask how severe, you can’t ask for qualifications. You accept it as truth. And everything that this person is served will be treated with care. Special pan, multiple changes of gloves, garnishes and sides equally cautious.

The server took the order. Speficied what the man ordered and noted a shellfish allergy on each of his items.

The food is prepared. And delivered. Everything as it was ordered.

The server comes over to check the table and discovers that the man has traded plates with one of his friends.

The server, excitedly explains that she cannot guarantee that the other items on the table are allergen free. And points out that the French fries he is eating are definitely cross contaminated as they are cooked in oil used for fried seafood.

He becomes irate, and demands to know why why everything on the table wasn’t allergen free and insists that the server was careless.

And this kids is why we can’t have nice things.

If your allergy is that severe you have to let us know. There are people that sensitive. But they don’t forget to tell you. They know they’ll die if they don’t.

They never forget.

We are very much a grown up restaurant.

Very much.

Our reservation site says so.

No kids menu.

No high chairs.

No booster seats.

No changing tables.

Grown ups.

We don’t go as far as to say don’t bring your kids, but we want everyone to know that if they bring little Jaxzon, or little Karleighe to dinner there are no chicken fingers. No mac and cheese. No grilled cheese.

Actually this past summer we had a father get angry when he was told the chef would NOT put a piece of cheese on a hamburger bun and heat up.

I actually told the server next time tell the guest, it’s considered a cheeseburger, no burger. We can do it but it’s still the same price.

We have no problem with kids.

We get lots and lots and lots of kids.

And if your kid likes food they are going to love our restaurant. We have regulars whose kids eat their own ribeye, their own octopus, their own swordfish.

Tonight around 5:15 I answer the phone.

It’s a woman asking to make a reservation.

I ask the date and the number of people.

March 19, 8 guests. 2 high chairs.

I ask her to clarify.

8 guests plus 2 high chairs or 8 guests including 2 high chairs.

Plus 2 high chairs.

So you have ten people yes?

I take the reservation and explain that I can’t guarantee the high chairs. We have only two and they are first come first serve.

She says okay.

Hangs up.

About 7:30 the phone rings again.

It’s the same woman. She wants to know if she can reserve the high chairs.

I explain again that unfortunately they are offered on a first come first serve basis.

She gets annoyed.

Stammers.

And then finally says she’s going to have to cancel the reservation.

I say okay, cancel the reservation.

She’s waiting for a response but unfortunately it’s the restaurant we have.

…….

…….

Click.