I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Tonight a couple walks in around 8:00 looking for a seat at the bar.

Before I can even respond the woman says, we are locals.

And here’s the thing. I don’t know what that means. And I don’t know how you want me to respond.

Locals.

Let’s talk about locals.

I use to have this conversation when I worked at a different restaurant that suggested we give locals a discount card.

What is a local?

Is it someone who lives in the tiny little community where our restaurant is located? About 150 people?

It is someone who lives in the little town where our restaurant is located? About 3,600 people.

Is it someone who lives adjacent to the little town where our restaurant is located? About 3,300 people.

Is it someone who lives in the two towns that share a similar name? 11,00 people.

Is it someone who lives five miles up the road in a town that does not share a similar name? 21,000 people.

That’s geography.

Let’s talk season?

Is it someone who lives here year round?

Is it someone who lives here only in the summer?

Is it someone who lives here only in the winter (I just learned that’s a thing)?

Is it someone who owns a home here but only uses it 5 times a year? 3 times a year? 1 time a year.?

Is it someone who works in our little town?

Is it someone who was born here, moved away and now comes to stay at the family home?

Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it?

That’s the problem, is there is no clear answer.

So my thought and response is who gives a fuck?

I’m not going to magically pull a barstool out of my ass just because you live in the area.

Besides.

If you were a local, then you should be a regular, and I’ve never seen you before, and so you aren’t a regular and so if you want special treatment, come here more than once a year.

Now, on to, I’m a regular.

I get this a lot as well.

Are you now?

How many times does a person have to frequent a business to be called a regular? If you’ve read this far, I’d love to know you answer. ‘

Is it once a week? Is it once a month? Is it twice a season? Is it once a year?

We have summer regulars and we have winter regulars. We also have very wonderful year round regulars who come once or twice a week all year long.

And you wouldn’t need to tell me you are a regular if you were a regular because as I’ve said before you’d know my name is Jeff. You’d know my partner’s name is Adam. You’d know where I live. You’d know where he works. You’d know what my alcohol of choice is. You’d know, whether I’ma cat or a dog person.

I’m a talker. I love to talk to our guests. I could chat about the restaurant, the chef, the staff, the ambiance, the patio, the community, the restaurants etc all day. ALL DAY. It’s my favorite part of the job.

So.

If you are a regular as you say, what exactly is my name?

And no, we didn’t serve you garlic butter on your steak the last time you came to eat. I promise we did not. I’ve worked here for over a year and we’ve never served garlic butter. Truffle butter yes. Garlic butter no. And if you were the regular you say you are, you’d know this.

PS. We didn’t carve your steak in the kitchen last time you ate with us.

PS. We didn’t allow you to bring your dog last summer.

PS. We didn’t let you order take out over the phone last week.

PS. We didn’t let you substitute corn as a side two weeks ago when you were here.

PS. What’s my name?