I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Actually, me the writer would like to speak to someone, anyone who can stop the insanity.

The best part of the story I’m about about to share, is that a server had graciously agreed to help host tonight as I was on the door by myself and she was witness to the insanity.   I’m pretty sure it cleared up any belief that the stories I’ve been sharing all summer aren’t 100% factual, and just as outrageous as I say they are.

Here we go.

The night began like any other Saturday night.

We sat a million people at as we always do at 5:00.  

The push continued.  

5:30 is equally as big.

At 5:23 a man walks in and says hello.  I ask if he has a reservation and he says yes, it’s under Smith.  

At the same time this happens, he recognizes the server helping me host, and gets super excited.

I hope you are waiting on us tonight.  We love you.  We are in one of the private rooms tonight.  

He looks at me and says, We are in one of the private rooms tonight, right?

I say, I’m sorry, but unfortunately you are not.  We have you at a regular table tonight.

At this point, his head explodes.  

He gets animated and says, but I made these reservation over a month ago.  Does that not count for anything.  I made these reservations over a month ago.  Does that not count for anything.  I made these reservations over a month ago, does that not count for anything.

This exchange went on for about 525,600 minutes, or so it felt.  

He then demands to know exactly why I’m not willing to accommodate his request.  

I explain, at least I try to explain, that it’s because they are just 4 people and unfortunately, we are limited in areas we can put 5 to 8 people and since the private room can hold more people, I’ve had to book a 5 top in the room instead.  

He immediately tells me that this is bad business.  He follows that by insisting it shouldn’t matter how big the party is, it should be based solely on who requested the room first.

He assures me that they’ll spend far more money than the five top and I have made a very poor business decision.  

He gets even more agitated now.

Raising his voice.  As always for the people waiting next to him not for his or my benefit.  

He then demands to know exactly where I AM seating them.  I explain that it will be at a regular table.  

He becomes more agitated.  It better not be in the middle of the dining room.  I will NOT sit in the middle of the dining room.

His table is not in the middle of the dining room, however, for a moment I considered changing him to a table that was.

His wife gets involved, it better not be in the middle of the dining room we WILL NOT sit in the middle of the dining room.  

They all stand there staring at me, and I say, we’ll get you seated as quickly as we can.

They take a seat on the sofa in the lobby.

But they do that thing where they keep commentin.  Loud enough for everyone to hear, but NOT directed directly at me.  

They continue, get louder and louder.  

Finally, the wife says, we will definitely not be coming back.

I interrupt and say excuse me, if you’d like I can cancel your reservation, with no penalty, and you can dine some place you’d be happier with.

They insist that they’ll stay. 

At 5:37 they are seated.

He again says on his way in, that I’ve made a bad business decision.

When they leave a woman sitting on the other sofa says, you were very good at holding your ground while being polite.  I’m not sure I could have done that.  

The first thing they do is let the server know how disappointed they are that the server they saw in the lobby is NOT waiting on them.

Fun fact:  It’s never fun for anyone to be told they are disappointed that you aren’t the one they want, whether, boyfriend, girlfriend, child, or server.

I go on about my evening.

The second turn was hard.  No one was leaving.  NO ONE.  

It’s 7:30 and I had four couples to seat at the bar and nowhere to put them.  Five 4-tops that were on time, with no tables open for them.  

And I’m greeting, apologizing, trying to keep people out of the bar, when I look up and there is a man standing in front of me.  At first, I have no idea who he is, but then it dawns on me, and the next thing I know he has his hand above his head, with his finger pointed at me, screaming:

YOU SUCK!!!

Excuse me?

YOU SUCK!!!

I look at him again, not believing what is occurring in front of me.

He points at me again and screams, “YOU SUCK!!!”

I never argue in the moment very well.  

However, after almost 10 years, I don’t lose my temper about it.  

I look at him and say I assure you sir that I am not bad at me job.

True story I almost said, You are right, SIR.  I do suck.  I’m quite good at it too.  I can give you references if you like.  

I did not, although when I shared this with the server hosting with me, she couldn’t stop laughing. 

He then shouts at me that he spent a ton more money that the table in the room did and they should have been given that table when they asked for it.

He then announces to the room that they are never coming back.

I assure him that we are perfectly fine if he never comes back.

And he leaves.

And I look up and everyone is staring at me.

However, the looks they were giving me, were I’m sorry you had to deal with that.  What an asshole.  

I get back to work. 

Tables are have started to open up.

I go about the business of seating people.  Thanking each group for their patience.

They all go out of their way to say something nice.

It’s not like we waited forever.

It was just a few minutes.

I’d wait an hour more to eat here.

The last group to be seated a 4-top at table 21, went even further, saying that they understand what dealing with people like that can be like because they have a 4 year old and a 2 year old.  I laugh and say, that it was all about his being told no to a request.  

They laugh, commiserate some more and are seated.

Two hours later, one of them arrives, with to-go boxes and he says to me, we’ve just had a lovely meal, and everything was perfect, so I guess this is the point in the night where I come out, yell at you, tell you that you suck and let you know that we are never coming back.

I assure him that this is the business model we follow.  

His friends join him, they are all super sweet.

The night ends.

Well sort of.  

This is the review he left tonight:

The host was very rude. I made the reservations over a month ago because we had a birthday celebration before our sister left for the winter. I requested one of the rooms. We were 4 and the very rude host said he chose a table of five for the room. That table arrived almost a 1/2 hour after us and left about a 1/2 hour before us. He was so rude I hope the restaurant loses business. We spent almost $500 there and have been there several times and spent as much. But we will never go there again. We had also loved the chefs previous restaurant.  But never again. The host was rude crude and socially unacceptable.

I bet he was super proud of that last sentence.  

I met get that put on my business cards as a tag line.  

I was actually not rude.  As witnessed by 2 people at 5:30. 

And 30 people at 7:30.

It was nothing more than his being told no.  

And fun fact.  

All of you!!!

Go to Resy.

If you know the name of my restaurant, do a search for a reservation.  The second sentence on the restaurant information page is:

Table requests cannot be guaranteed.  

The only way he’d have missed this is if he’d made the reservation over the phone, and he did not.

He was told NO.  

PS.  The other table was even better.  The timeline they describe is far from accurate, but the 5-top spent the same as the 4-top, were in and out in 90 minutes and tipped their server better.  

I’ll take the faster, nicer, more generous table any day of the week.