I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Tonight around 5:30 a server comes up to let me know that table 33 is upset that we don’t list our non-alcoholic drinks on the menu.  

She explained that we have Coke products, coffee,  make an array of mocktails, and we have 1 non-alcoholic beer.  

This does not make them happy.  

They launch in to a speech about how it’s unfair that we don’t offer non-alcoholic wine.  

So many other restaurants in town offer it and we should as well.

OH.  NO.

This couple has been in three times before.  And every time they are there, they aggressively tell me how unfair it is that we don’t offer non-alcoholic wine.  

I suppose it would be nice if we did.  

Like it would be nice if we served gluten-free bread.   And impossible burgers.  And chicken parm.  And frozen strawberry daiquiris.  And American coffee.  And bearnaise sauce.  And baked potatoes.  And blackened salmon.  And deluxe cheeseburgers.  And chicken fingers.  And pasta with butter.  And our flourless chocolate cake warmed.  And ½ glasses of wine.  And Mich Ultra.  And clam chowder.  And a salad entrée.  And protein on a house salad.  And a grilled cheese.  And pulled pork.  And a Argentine dip.  And rotisserie chicken.  And only charged 29.99 for a ribeye.  And buttered filet.  And had A-1 on our tables.  And had a create your own salad, based on an ingredients list. 

I could type for the next 24 hours about the items people think should be on our menu.  

I just did a quick look and there are currently around 35 commercial real estate sites available that were formerly restaurants of some sort just in Portland.  

Do you know what that means? 

You could open up a restaurant that serves non-alcoholic wine.  And gluten free bread.  And impossible burgers.  And frozen strawberry daiquiris.  And American coffee.  And bearnaise sauce.  And baked potatoes.  And blackened salmon.  And deluxe cheeseburgers.  And chicken fingers.  And pasta with butter.  And warm flourless chocolate cake.    And ½ glasses of wine.  And Mich Ultra.  And clam chowder.  And a salad entrée.  And protein on a house salad.  And a grilled cheese.  And pulled pork.  And a beef dip sandwich.  And a rotisserie chicken.  And you can set the prices to be whatever you want them to be.  And have buttered filet.  And an assortment of condiments.  And a salad bar.  And even fucking Sunday brunch. 

You seriously could do whatever the fuck you wanted.  

But don’t go to a place of business and tell them what they should and shouldn’t have.  Even if you think you are being helpful.  

I get that you don’t drink.

But I’ve been in the restaurant business in Maine for 10 years and in that time only 2 people have asked for non-alcoholic wine.  The two of you.

And.

We don’t need a wider selection of non-alcoholic beer either.  

Why you ask?

Because we actually only serve the beer to appease like 20 people.

In the summer when we serve close to 400 people, we’ll often do about 300 dollars in beer sales.  Wine and cocktails knock it out of the water. 

We are not a beer restaurant.  We sell almost as much soda and coffee as we do beer.

So please don’t trap me at the host stand and spend 30 minutes forcing your opinion on me.  And it really was 30 minutes.  I was supposed to me in my car at 6:30 to join Adam at his work holiday party.  I got in my car at 6:55.  

Because.  

You were unrelenting. 

PS.  You could bring your own.  We offer a corkage fee.  We’ll be happing to open the bottle and pour it for you.  Especially if it’s non-alcoholic.