A couple of days ago, I hit 999 days without a Diet Coke.

For any of you, who have known me for a while, you know what a feat that is.  

I, to this day, consumed more Diet Coke than any other person I know.  

I had a Double Gulp on the way to work.  

I didn’t get a coffee at work, I got a Diet Coke.  

I was very specific about which gun the Diet Coke came from, as they were not all the same.  

I could always tell the difference.

I trained the staff to bring a Diet Coke to the office, anytime they came to ask a question.  

If someone did something wrong, a bottle of Diet Coke would appear on my desk the next day as an apology.  

Once I came in and there were 6 bottles. I don’t remember why, but I do remember that it made me laugh.

I ALWAYS made sure to leave work on a night that I closed, in time to get to McDonald’s for a Diet Coke for my ride home.  

I’d have 4 or 5 cans before I went to bed at night.  

I had to have a Diet Coke anytime I was in the car, often stopping 4 or 5 times a day, on a day off at McDonald’s because they still have the best fountain soda.  

My friends knew to have Diet Coke if I was going to come for dinner.  

My mother, always had a case or two of cans when I’d go home.

Adam’s parents did the same.  

I’d stop everyone 90 minutes on road trips.

Always at McDonald’s.

I know where every McDonald’s is on the way NYC from Portland.  

Adam and I once got into a huge fight, becauseI insisted we wait in line for 45 minutes for a Diet Coke in Hartford, Connecticut before I drove us home, three hours at 11:30 at night.  

Way, way, way back when I was a lighting designer, lightning struck the theater, that we had just loaded in to, and dumped the memory of the light cues we’d just programmed, frying the disc that was in the computer.  

It was 45 minutes till curtain.  

I recreated the patch. I programmed submitters. (Face book won’t let me type sub master as one word).  

But before any of that, I instructed the couple who ran the theater that I’d need the largest Diet Coke from a fountain that they could find by curtain.

We opened the house very late, we dimmed the house lights, and I was handed a fountain Diet Coke, just as the overture to The Music Man started.  

The show looked great, if I do say so myself.

Fun fact, turns out the that couple who run the theater are friends of Adam’s from Texas.  

I was obsessed with Diet Coke.  

OBSESSED.  

And then in July of 2020 a friend of mine quit smoking and challenged me to give up Diet Coke saying if she could quit smoking I could give up Diet Coke.  

Meanwhile, another friend in Florida was posting about his finally drinking his last Diet Coke.  

I mentioned it to Adam but I think he thought I was full of shit.  

On July 31, 2020 I drank my last Diet Coke.  

For the next couple of weeks, Adam bought me every flavor and every brand of soda water that existed.  

I finally settled on Polar pomegranate. I drink that full stop now.

And it’s plain soda water at work, which I’ve trained the staff to keep full.  

I don’t feel healthier.

I haven’t lost weight. 

It has not affected me at all.

And with that, time to get another can of soda.  

PS. that famous non smoking friend…she’s smoking again.

I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Ding.  Ding.  

I’m going to assume everyone knows who Pavlov is.  

He is famous for conditioning dogs to react to certain outside stimuli.  

Ding.  Ding.  

Two years ago, I opened a restaurant, 30 miles south of here.  

It was a fun and exciting experiment, and I lasted three months.

I was often on the door during service, to help facilitate seating.  

We came up with the method of ringing the kitchen bell once if food runners were needed.  

Twice if a manager was needed. 

It worked great.

I carried this system along to my current restaurant.  

I can hear the kitchen bell ring twice, most anywhere except the closet I call my office.  

I’m conditioned to move quickly to the kitchen window when I hear the bell.  

Ding.  Ding.  

It’s most often to run an steak that needs a little more time on the grill.    

Of if Chef has a question about a table, an order, or a guest.  

Ding.  Ding.

I run. 

Here in lies the problem. 

A lot of restaurants use bells to summon people.

Adam’s restaurant uses a bell to summon food runners.  

The restaurant we ate at in Boston two weeks ago, used a bell.

It is almost impossible to relax when the bell goes 

Ding.  Ding.  

And fun fact:  Most restaurants ring it twice for food runners. 

Ding.  Ding.   

Meanwhile in my world 

Ding.  Ding.  

Means that I am needed. 

And if I don’t appear, someone comes to fetch me.  

Ding.  Ding.

Even typing this has made me feel like I need to get up and go to the kitchen.  

And what’s really interesting, is that most guests in the restaurant never notice it.  

And I do mean. 

NEVER.

I’ve learned that if I need to excuse myself from a conversation, I just say, did you hear that 

Ding.  Ding.

That means that they need me in the kitchen and I walk to the pass.  

I make my escape, and they never know there was no sound.  

Ding. Ding.  

Next time you are in a restaurant, and hear a bell ring, it’s not because an angel got its wings.

It’s because there is food to run.  

I am needed.  

Ding.  Ding.  

I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Hi all.  

This is a public service announcement for all that dine out.  

Would you like to know one of the most annoying things many of you do as a guest at a restaurant?

You go to the restroom one at a time at the end of the meal.

If you are a four top you’ve just added 15 to 20 minutes to turn your table.  

I didn’t even realize this until Adam pointed it out 14.5 years ago.  

You are finished with your meal.

The coffee cups are empty. 

Desserts been cleared.

The check has been subdivided, you’ve presented four credit cards.  

You are done.  

The restroom fits at least two people at a time.  

You are just waiting for everyone to do their business before you head to wherever you are going next. 

Tonight a 5 top that had paid their check took almost 30 minutes to leave, as they one by one got up to pee.  

By the time they left, I was 20 minutes late for seating their replacements.  

So.

My suggestion:

A couple of you go while you are waiting on dessert.  

A couple of you go while you are waiting on the check to be dropped and processed.

And one of you should hold it till you get home, since you live 1.4 miles from the restaurant.  

This has been a public service announcement.

We will now return to regular programming, already in progress.