I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Most of you know that in a different life, I was a lighting designer.  A pretty good one at that, if I don’t say so myself.  I had a knack for it for some reason, and it just made sense to me.  

In the 20+ years I was active, I designed well over 100 shows.  In all types of theaters and venues.  For many different organizations.  

When I started out, I wanted to design musicals.  In fact, I almost didn’t go to UCSD, as they don’t really produce musicals.  I was assured by Chris Parry, that I’d get what I needed and then wouldn’t you know it, I ended up designing two musicals at UCSD while I was a student.  

However, grad school taught me that I really like the artistic dramas the most.  Especially those, that allow for big bold lighting statements.  There is a lot less demand for those designers.  

So, it was musicals that paid the rent.  

As a lighting designer, I am also the unluckiest motherfucker you have ever met.  As I said, over 100 shows, and three times in my career I had light boards crap out and the shows were lost.  Completely.  Back ups corrupted.  Boards didn’t work.  Nada.  Zip.  

A little background for those non theater folk.  Lighting is run through a computer, that has the settings for each of the lights recorded.  You press go and the lights change as they’ve been programmed and thus the design is executed.  Without those cues, you are basically looking at a dark stage.  

The first time this happened was at The Diversionary Theater in San Diego.  We’d finished up our dress rehearsal of M. Butterfly, been given notes, and the theater was empty. I was left to do a page or two of lighting notes.  Adjustments that needed to be made to make the lighting better.  

I started and about 20 minutes into the process, I hit record, time 4 enter, enter.  And the board shut down.  I rebooted it, and it restarted without issue. 

Except.  

That my show was gone.  Fuck!

I double checked everything. 

Nada.  Zilch.  

I checked.  The disc was in the computer, and it would mean doing my notes over, but I went ahead and loaded the show from the disc.  

Except that it wouldn’t load.  It kept saying the disc was corrupt.

It’s now close to midnight.  I have a light board with no cues.  And we have final dress in about 18 hours.  

Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.  

I take a deep breath. 

I should say, when stuff like this happens, I go to my calm place.  

I rebooted the computer. 

I tried the disc again. 

I say.  Well.  Here’s what needs to happen.  I have till tomorrow at 7:00 to get the show re-cued.  

I grab my keys and drive to 7-11.  I get a Double Gulp Diet Coke.  I go back to the theater.  I get a new disc…

And I start.  

Page by page.  

I know where the cues go because they are written in my script.  I’ve seen the show enough to rebuild most everything.

And I cue.  And cue.  And cue.  

When the Executive Director shows up at 8:00 the next morning.  I’m still cuing.  

I finish up around 10 or so. 

Go home.  Shower.  Get to class as I’m a student at UCSD. 

At 6:00 I get back to the theater, where we do our final dress.

The show is in.  It’s actually not a bad copy.  

And the show opens the next day without further issue.  

Fast forward to Oklahoma.  The state.  Not the musical.  

I’m there to design the summer season for Light Opera Oklahoma.  The Music Man.  Sweeney Todd. Naughty Marietta.  

In the summer, LOOK tours one of their shows and this year is The Music Man.  Three stops on our tour.  

One of the theaters is on an Army base.  I can’t remember the name for the life of me, but the founder of the theater’s portrait is hanging in the lobby and they’ve captured his gayness 100%.  This theater was built in the 50’s and that’s when the last technology update occurred.  Overheard, the stage is lit with strip lights with red, white and blue roundels.  The best part of this theater is the soldiers who show up to see the show.  Hot.  Hot.  Hot.  

The weird part is that it is required by law that the Star-Spangled Banner be played before any event.  So, the orchestra plays the SSB.  Then immediately launches into the Overture for The Music Man.  It was weird as fuck.  

The next theater, is old.  Old.  Old.  And is big enough for about 20% of our scenery.  The lighting is a little better, BUT there is no air conditioning.  It’s July.  In Oklahoma.  It’s insane.  By the time the crew loads in, we are exhausted.  

The show happens.  

In both of these theaters, the lights pretty much stay on, and the stage manager calls follow spot cues. 

I’m excited for the next space.  It’s a brand-new performing arts space in Claremore, Oklahoma.  Brand new.  1,000+ seats.  All the bells and whistles.  Including a/c.

We load in.  We hang the plot.  We focus.  We cue.  We are ready to go.  

Fun fact:  We are the first group to use the space.  We discover the hard way, that everything said on the clear com, is also heard on the dressing room speakers.  The Music Man children heard a few inappropriate jokes and comments before we realized this.  

We take a quick break to get a late lunch.  We get back to the theater around 6:00.  Show will start at 7:00.  

Just as we get back to the theater, a typical thunderstorm rolls through.  This has never been proven, but it was the consensus as to what happened, but we think lightning struck the building.  The Board crashed.  When it comes back up.  Once again.  The show was gone, and the disc was fucked.  And this time for my theater friends, the patch is gone.  

Once again, I took a breath and went to my calm place.  I started directing people as to what to do.  

You do this.  You do that.  You go over there.  

It’s 6:30. The house is supposed to be open.   We can’t open, because I need to figure what each of the lights do, where they are plugged and get submasters programmed.  

The theater operators are in the booth with me.  I turn to them and say, give me another 20 minutes and we’ll be good to go. I’ll cue the show live using submasters and Kelly, the stage manager, will call spots, and remind me what part of the stage is going to be used, and what scene is coming up.  However, if this is going to work, I’m going to need the largest Fountain Diet Coke you can find.  

I go back to work.  The house is opened.  And just before the overture starts, a Diet Coke appears on the floor beside me.  I cue the show live, and believe it or not, it looks pretty good.  

Fun Fact:  Fast forward 2 years, and Adam and I drive to Texas.  On our way home to NYC we stop in Claremore, Oklahoma to visit his friends from college. We meet at a Mexican Restaurant.  And about 15 minutes into the visit we realize, they were the theater operators, and they are the folks who got me the Diet Coke.  We love them dearly.  

Now it’s 2013.  I’m in Grinnell, Iowa.  I taught there in the winter of 2007, and designed one of my all-time favorite shows for a choreographer friend.  I was asked back after that, and went.  I continued to go until Adam and I moved to Maine and I stopped designing.  

The last year I was there, I designed a show that I am afraid to say I don’t remember the name of.  It’s a lot of fun, I get to spend time with friends and do great design work.  The production staff at Grinnell is second to none.  

The show opens, we celebrate.  I fly home the next day.  It’s a full day of traveling to fly from Des Moines, to Portland.  

When I get here there are a number of calls from Erik.  Seems, that their board, a Marquee, that I always hated using, but had no choice in for this show, has crashed.  They are asking for back up paperwork etc.  As they can’t get a replacement, and the disc won’t work in their Expression.  They are basically forced to re-create the show from memory.  

I thought to myself as I hung up the phone with Erik.  

Fuck my life.  NOT again.  

So yes.  Unlucky.