I’d like to speak to the manager!
Self-value: The value that you prescribe to yourself. Your self-worth. The belief that you have value in the world.
Lots of people I know struggle with their self-worth. And I do mean lots of them. When they hold themselves up to the light, they don’t see the positive that they bring to the world. Their light. Their beauty. Their worth.
I count myself as one of these people. I have always questioned my reason for existing in the world. What value I bring to the people I know. To the world at large.
I’ll come back to this.
I also know fewer people, but still a fair amount, who have never questioned their value. They get up, put on a smile and go out and tackle the world. Believing from word go, that they deserve all the accolades, money, and support they get in the world as a whole.
When I sit across from someone who has the cojones to think the world owes them all they have, I get jealous. I end up thinking, what do they have that I don’t. Why has success, love, beauty been thrust on them, while I stand in the corner waiting for the scraps?
Please, do not think that I’m feeling sorry for myself. After years of therapy, I subjectively know my value. There are LOTS of things in life that I am good at. But there are times when the depression creeps in, and I start to question my value.
This has happened a lot in the past 12 months.
I turned 60 last April. I’m well past the halfway mark of my life. I’m on the downhill slide into old age and the life that comes with that. I got a new knee three years ago, but now I need another one, and as I sometimes hobble around, I lament the days where I could run a 10k in 45 minutes. I have a tremor in my left hand that also reminds me of my age. I also find that memory has started to fail. Ask me about what happened in third grade and I can tell a million stories. Meanwhile, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night.
I lost my job last June. Nothing puts you in your place, like entering the job market at 60. I’ve adjusted my resume as much as I can without blatantly lying to hide how old I am.
After 8 months of searching, I recently started a new job. It’s forcing me to do things that I haven’t had to do in a long time. Write a schedule. Curate a wine list. Organize training. All things that I definitely know how to do, I just haven’t done them in a while. It’s actually been fun going back to basics, but it also reminds me that I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be in my adult life.
However, as I said. I do know the things that I do, believe, and work toward, that bring value to the world.
First and foremost. I’m a good boyfriend. There are a few people in my past that might argue this fact. To them I apologize. They got me before therapy, and drugs. Boyfriends before 2002, didn’t get the new and improved Jeff. The one who treats their partner with respect, who doesn’t cheat, and the one who loves deeply.
I’m a good friend. You need a shoulder to cry on? You need someone to drive you to the airport at 5:30 in the morning? You need someone to drive your car cross country? You need me to come collect you after you boyfriend beat you up? You need me to write the check to take care of a secret problem and drive you to do it? I am your man.
I’m a good neighbor. I am the one who forces Adam to bake cookies when someone new moves into the neighborhood. I’m the one who goes around delivering soup and baked goods.
I’m a good boss. Yes. I’m the boss, so I have to make decisions that people don’t like, but at the end of the day, I don’t yell and scream. I don’t micro manage. My door is open when you want to talk about your anxiety, your fucked up relationship, or need 100 bucks till payday to get your meds from the pharmacy.
So where am I going with this post? Who the fuck knows. My last prompt from Adam was “VALUE.” And its been hard. It brings up a lot of crap and leads me toward self-pity which I try and stay away from.
How am I doing? I’m fine. Just fine. Not great. Not bad. Just fine. I fall somewhere in the middle of the road, plugging along till the needle moves one way or another. I hope that it moves toward the good, but you never know in the politics of today.
That being said.
Things with Adam and I are good. The neighbors are good. My new job is good. We have a vacation planned in a few weeks. The bills are paid. Except for my knee and tremor my health is…wait, I forgot what I was going to say.
Self-worth. Don’t listen to what the naysayers put out into the world.
You are loved.
You are beautiful.
You have value.
You have worth.
And gosh darn it, people like you.
I’d like to speak to the manager!
Self-value: The value that you prescribe to yourself. Your self-worth. The belief that you have value in the world.
Lots of people I know struggle with their self-worth. And I do mean lots of them. When they hold themselves up to the light, they don’t see the positive that they bring to the world. Their light. Their beauty. Their worth.
I count myself as one of these people. I have always questioned my reason for existing in the world. What value I bring to the people I know. To the world at large.
I’ll come back to this.
I also know fewer people, but still a fair amount, who have never questioned their value. They get up, put on a smile and go out and tackle the world. Believing from word go, that they deserve all the accolades, money, and support they get in the world as a whole.
When I sit across from someone who has the cojones to think the world owes them all they have, I get jealous. I end up thinking, what do they have that I don’t. Why has success, love, beauty been thrust on them, while I stand in the corner waiting for the scraps?
Please, do not think that I’m feeling sorry for myself. After years of therapy, I subjectively know my value. There are LOTS of things in life that I am good at. But there are times when the depression creeps in, and I start to question my value.
This has happened a lot in the past 12 months.
I turned 60 last April. I’m well past the halfway mark of my life. I’m on the downhill slide into old age and the life that comes with that. I got a new knee three years ago, but now I need another one, and as I sometimes hobble around, I lament the days where I could run a 10k in 45 minutes. I have a tremor in my left hand that also reminds me of my age. I also find that memory has started to fail. Ask me about what happened in third grade and I can tell a million stories. Meanwhile, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night.
I lost my job last June. Nothing puts you in your place, like entering the job market at 60. I’ve adjusted my resume as much as I can without blatantly lying to hide how old I am.
After 8 months of searching, I recently started a new job. It’s forcing me to do things that I haven’t had to do in a long time. Write a schedule. Curate a wine list. Organize training. All things that I definitely know how to do, I just haven’t done them in a while. It’s actually been fun going back to basics, but it also reminds me that I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be in my adult life.
However, as I said. I do know the things that I do, believe, and work toward, that bring value to the world.
First and foremost. I’m a good boyfriend. There are a few people in my past that might argue this fact. To them I apologize. They got me before therapy, and drugs. Boyfriends before 2002, didn’t get the new and improved Jeff. The one who treats their partner with respect, who doesn’t cheat, and the one who loves deeply.
I’m a good friend. You need a shoulder to cry on? You need someone to drive you to the airport at 5:30 in the morning? You need someone to drive your car cross country? You need me to come collect you after you boyfriend beat you up? You need me to write the check to take care of a secret problem and drive you to do it? I am your man.
I’m a good neighbor. I am the one who forces Adam to bake cookies when someone new moves into the neighborhood. I’m the one who goes around delivering soup and baked goods.
I’m a good boss. Yes. I’m the boss, so I have to make decisions that people don’t like, but at the end of the day, I don’t yell and scream. I don’t micro manage. My door is open when you want to talk about your anxiety, your fucked up relationship, or need 100 bucks till payday to get your meds from the pharmacy.
So where am I going with this post? Who the fuck knows. My last prompt from Adam was “VALUE.” And its been hard. It brings up a lot of crap and leads me toward self-pity which I try and stay away from.
How am I doing? I’m fine. Just fine. Not great. Not bad. Just fine. I fall somewhere in the middle of the road, plugging along till the needle moves one way or another. I hope that it moves toward the good, but you never know in the politics of today.
That being said.
Things with Adam and I are good. The neighbors are good. My new job is good. We have a vacation planned in a few weeks. The bills are paid. Except for my knee and tremor my health is…wait, I forgot what I was going to say.
Self-worth. Don’t listen to what the naysayers put out into the world.
You are loved.
You are beautiful.
You have value.
You have worth.
And gosh darn it, people like you.
I'd Like to Speak to the Manager!!! 