I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

I spend way too much time on Facebook.  Way too much.

Mostly it’s a way to waste time, while I’m waiting for Adam to get home.  Or waiting for a meeting to start at work.  Or waiting for dinner to be ready.  

Today’s Facebook is very different than the Facebook of my childhood.  Back when you could poke someone.  Or were reconnecting with friends you hadn’t seen for years.  

Obama changed that.  Suddenly, Facebook was political.  As a liberal, it brought out the worst of the worst.  When Adam and I first started dating, while I was waiting for dinner to be ready, I was battling it out with conservative “friends.”  Fun fact, when you point out that your friends are on the “dole” while voting against their own best interest, they unfriend you.  This happened several times.  

Fast forward 50 years and now it’s ALL politics except for a few posts from friends sharing their lives.  In between the political posts and the friends, you are bombarded with shirtless men (perhaps that’s just my algorithm) and Broadway shows.  

Today, I was sitting in my car wasting time, and was scrolling and came upon a post from a friend.  It’s a post that circulates every so often.  It harkens back to the old times, when there used to be lists of questions that you would share you answers with your friends.  

This particular post was about states you’ve visited, and states you’ve live in.  

It’s below:  

Mark an X by a state you’ve actually stepped foot in.  Mark XX for states you’ve lived in:

1Alabama XX

2 Alaska 

3 Arizona X

4 Arkansas X

5 California XX

6 Colorado X

7 Connecticut X

8 Delaware X

9 Florida X

10 Georgia XX

11 Hawaii 

12 Idaho X

13 Illinois X

14 Indiana X

15 Iowa XX

16 Kansas XX

17 Kentucky XX

18 Louisiana X

19 Maine XX

20 Maryland X

21 Massachusetts X

22 Michigan X

23 Minnesota X

24 Mississippi X

25 Missouri X

26 Montana 

27 Nebraska X

28 Nevada X

29 New Hampshire X

30 New Jersey X

31 New Mexico X

32 New York XX

33 North Carolina X

34 North Dakota 

35 Ohio XX

36 Oklahoma XX

37 Oregon 

38 Pennsylvania X

39 Rhode Island X

40 South Carolina X

41 South Dakota 

42 Tennessee X

43 Texas X

44 Utah 

45 Vermont X

46 Virginia X

47 Washington DC X

48 Washington 

49 West Virginia X

50 Wisconsin X

51 Wyoming X

Visited: 43

Lived in: 9

Wow.  Not bad.  It’s hard to believe that I’ve been to 43 states.  And in none of them, was it just stepping foot in an airport.  For all of them, it was visiting or at least driving through. 

Even more impressive is that I’ve lived in 9 different states for varying amounts of time.  

The longest I lived anywhere was in Kentucky.  The shortest I lived anywhere, was Tuscaloosa, Alabama where I rented an apartment, moved there, stayed three weeks and promptly moved back to Kentucky.  No one needs to live in Tuscaloosa, Alabama as a single gay man.  

I love that I got out of Kentucky.  I graduated from college and left.  There was not one part of me that thought I belonged there.  There was a big wide world to explore and I was going to explore it.  I knew that I was meant for adventures.  

Looking back on my life as a 60-year-old man, I love that I’ve had the adventures I’ve had. 

In Kansas, I learned that I could do any horrible job that was thrown at me, for at least a bit, to prove the naysayers wrong.  

In Georgia, I learned that it was okay to be gay.  That if people cared, you didn’t need them in your life.  It’s also the first time I realized that I was above average in looks.  

Back in Kentucky, I learned that I was a damn good lighting designer.  And once again, no one cared that I was gay.  

In Ohio, I learned that I was a pretty okay teacher.  Not great.  Not terrible, but pretty okay.  

In New York, I learned that it was better to be a big fish in a small pond, than a small fish in a big pond.  Also it takes too much effort to survive in the big apple.  And I’m a dam good slinging hash server.  Bring on the volume.  I also learned that after a lifetime of being a BAD boyfriend, that I could indeed, care for someone, love them and treat them in a way that fostered a loving relationship.  

In San Diego, I learned that I am a really good goddamned lighting designer, when put up against other eally good goddamned lighting designers.  

In Oklahoma, I learned that as you get older, comfort is king, and sleeping in two twin beds pushed together does not a queen size bed make.  Also, I can work really fast and still produce quality work.  

In Iowa, I learned that when you work with amazing people, your art is elevated.  To this day, the first show I designed there is still one I consider to be my best.  

In Maine.  I learned that I’m a good manager.  Not great.  Not bad.  But good.  Even on my worst day, I don’t micromanage.  I don’t yell.   And I don’t treat my co-workers badly.  

And now I’m 60.  On the downhill slope of life.  I don’t know how my friends from high school and college spend their time, but I often think of the choices I’ve made.  Would I have been better off to do this?  Would I have been better off to do that?  

For example:  

Should I have gone to graduate school at 30?  

Should I have focused on teaching more?  

Should I have stayed in Ohio, teaching, where I’d be on my way to retirement right now.  

Should I have stayed in NYC and started my restaurant management career earlier?  

Should I have applied at the Toyota Plant in Georgetown, that opened the year I graduated college and spent my time there, earning a pension and a reasonable retirement age.  

Should I have stayed in Atlanta, and been gay and fabulous and found a non-theater career to focus on?

Should I have stayed in Southern California and focused on my design work.  I was working a lot outside of school while I was there.  

Should I have stayed in Alabama, gone to the University of Alabama for grad school, and perhaps had a career as an academic? 

Should I have gone on a date with John instead of Adam and where would I be living if I had?  

Clearly, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole.  I don’t get lost in this train of thought often, but sometimes when I can’t sleep, I get distracted with the what ifs.  

But at the end of the day, I truly don’t regret 99% of my decisions.  

They all worked together to make me the man I am today.  

They all worked together to help me find Adam, who I love more than I ever thought possible.  I have friends that love me dearly.  I have a house that I couldn’t have dreamt of ever having.  I have five cats who tolerate me.   I have a great life.   

And the moral of the story.  I’m not rich.  I’m not even close to retirement.  I have to work until I’m dead.  And, I wouldn’t trade my experiences for all the money in the world.  I have had an exciting, adventurous life.  And for that I’m grateful.  

My time spent gaining these experiences has not been wasted.  Even if some of my dreams have not come true.  I remind myself when I get down about the dreams, that I could have taken a job that I hated, gotten married, had two kids, been miserable and lived a lie, like so many gay men I know.  But instead, I got out.  

I lived.  

I explored.  

I had fun. 

My time and life have not been wasted.  

(Tonight’s prompt has been “time wasted.”