Tonight I picked up the phone around 6:15. We were quiet tonight as LOTS of people left town before the impending weather.

Me: thanks for calling ________. How May I help you?

Caller: Hello do you do indoor dining.

Yes. We do.

Do you have anything at 6:45.

No. We are booked.

Do you do have a patio?

Yes we do!

Do you have anything at 6:45 on your patio.

SSIR: It’s. Uh. Uh. Uh. It’s raining.

Not right now. It’s stopped.

Yes. But it’s wet outside.

Yes. But it’s not raining.

No. But it was.

May we sit outside.

No.

Why not?

Because it’s wet outside.

We don’t mind.

No.

________-

________.

Well.

Well.

No.

Huh.

No. You can’t sit outside.

Okay.

And SCENE!

Dining out tip:

If a restaurant is not open for lunch that does NOT mean no one shows up for work till 5:00.

Every night at 5:00:01 our phone begins to ring.

And it rings. And rings. And rings. And rings. And rings. And rings. And rings.

Fun fact. We opened our doors seven minutes before that and we won’t answer our phone again until around 6:30. We don’t have someone to answer it because we are short staffed, and the host, is also the GM and he is busy dealing with the guests in front of him.

Calling over, and over , and over again also isn’t helpful. I see your name on the caller ID Mr Jones. I wish I could help you. But I can’t.

Also don’t, leave a message at 5:12 and then show up at the restaurant at 6:02 angry that no one has called you back.

Also. Don’t wait till the minute a reservation is supposed to show up to call the restaurant to pay for their drinks, dessert, dinner because you didn’t plan ahead to do something nice for their birthday.

Also. Don’t tell the GM when you waltz through the door that you’ve been calling for days and no one returns your calls. My main job in the afternoon is to return the 47 messages we get in 12 hours.

Also, leave a message. Don’t just call and call and call. I will call you back and I’ll be much happier to help if you haven’t called 17 times.

And more thing. Don’t call at 4:57. 6:12. 7:45. 9:10. 9:43. Then the next day at 8:47. 10:43. 12:32. Leaving messages each time. I know you need to change your reservation from 4 people to 6 people but my god. I can’t imagine what being your boyfriend is like.

I’ll leave you with this.

Keep your message short.

If you want me to call you at a number different than the one your calling from say the number twice.

I don’t need to know you live up the street. I don’t need to know you’re bringing your cousin Alice on Saturday. I don’t need to know anything more than your name, your number, the date of your reservation, and the time.

Then we’ll go from there!

PS. There are people in the restaurant all day.

Call early. Leave a message. Be patient. We’ll call you back.

I promise!

Eating out rule.

Strike that.

Being a good human rule.

Do not. I repeat. Do not do the right thing, then demand something in return.

Tonight was a hard night for me because one of our hosts called out. I was stuck on the door as a result. Around 8:30 a server came to find me because she had an upset guest. She was so distraught she couldn’t even explain the problem. She finally sent me to her co-worker so he could bring me up to speed before I visited the table.

Seems that the guest in question had been presented their check. Upon receiving it, the guest discovered that their entrees were not on the bill. They brought it to the attention of their server. Upon presentation of the check they inquired as to what their compensation would be. What were we going to do for them?

The servers were dumbstruck. The guest did the right thing, but were now demanding a reward.

So the servers fetched me.

I went to the table. Where I was immediately inundated with all the reasons we needed to do something for them. Ultimately they felt like they deserved a reward. I explained to them that that’s not how life works. I explained if the same thing happened at a bank the bank wouldn’t give them free money. It only escalated from there. I finally asked if they only give to charity if the charity offers them a service.

I was then called an asshole. I was also told over and over that they saved our asses.

Then I was called an asshole again.

And then again.

I finally said I was going to get the check for them. I did decide to take one entrée off the check. However when I got back they started again. I finally said I felt sad for them that they really only do the right thing for the reward. I was called an asshole again. I explained that we are a business trying to survive during a pandemic. I’m called an asshole again and was told that was no excuse. They were saving our asses.

I leave the check and say the server will be by for payment. I walk back to the bar. I should state I’m on the patio. I’m now waiting in the patio bar. The next thing I know one of them walks up to me, throws the check presenter at me, slams his hand down on the counter and proceeds to yell at me some more. Before I can respond a woman at the bar turns on him, tells him to calm the fuck down. That she’s trying to eat and that he’s out of line. She was at the bar when I was being appraised of the problem. This doesn’t deter him and he keeps yelling. I tell him if he doesn’t calm down I’ll call the cops and they can help with the situation.

He leaves.

We run the credit cards and I return to the table. He starts again. Calls me an asshole again. I should mention that I’m acutely aware that this whole series of exchanges are being witnessed by other tables. I finally say to him. Sir. You may think what you want. By I suggest you subscribe to the New York Times. Because three weeks ago they ran a story about why people like you are making it so difficult for people in the restaurant business. He told me again how he saved my ass. Called me an asshole. And I walked away.

I go back to the bar. I must admit. I’m NOT shaken. These types of encounters just piss me off. When I get back, the women at the bar have a lot to say about the man. I promptly thank them for coming to my defense and buy the drinks they are consuming. Two seconds later a woman comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to tell me she kept her husband from chewing them a new ass and how great it was that I didn’t bow down to them. I bought her drinks too.

The whole exchange was surreal. They felt that I should buy their whole check because they did the right thing. The one man said over and over he was saving our asses. I might point out we are a steak house. There were no steaks on their check. They’d ordered the cheapest entrees. Not that I care. It’s just if they hadn’t paid it would have been about $125 dollars. Not exactly the end of the road for us.

After this exchange I hid from everyone for about an hour. I needed quiet. I stood at the host stand saying goodbye to people instead of my usual routine.

Did I really owe him more than the $33 dollar entree I comped.

PS. They did tip 18% on their check so they weren’t all bad.

Yesterday we had a guest with a reservation with the last name Bacon. I made a comment about them possibly being related to Kevin.

I had to walk away when my hosts had no idea who Kevin Bacon was. 😦

Tonight a woman sent her steak back insisting that she ordered a ribeye not the steak she was given. She was apologized to and her steak was replaced with a ribeye as quickly as possible.

As it was a recook I ran it to the table. When I got there I started to set the steak in front of her and her husband began to complain that he was finished and SHE turns to me and says this IS going to be comped. Right?

I immediately had flashbacks to 1987 working in Atlanta when guests would tell us to get a comp form as they weren’t paying. So I looked at the woman and said OF COURSE NOT. She looked shocked. And I said okay and walked a way with her steak still in my hand. The server was convinced the whole thing was a scam and that she never preferred a ribeye in the first place.

Meanwhile: if you go to Macy’s and get pants and they don’t fit you take them back. But you don’t get them for free.