I’d like to speak to the manager!!!

Cole Escola won the Tony Award last night for best actor in a play for starring in the play they wrote called Oh Mary.

First of all, they are hysterical. I mean side splitting, stupid humor, that is brilliant, and off the cuff. In the south we’d call them quick witted.

I love that they own their presence. Their differences. Their humanity.

I’ve not always been able to do that. In fact, I probably didn’t start to believe in the “real” Jeff until I met Adam.

I’d always been the person I put forth, and some people got the real me, most got a version of me.

If you get in the way, way back machine, you’ll discover that I went to a very conservative, liberal arts college.

It always feels like an oxymoron to write that statement. Conservative. Liberal Arts.

When I say conservative, realize that less than 10 years before dancing wasn’t permitted on campus.

Alcohol was a no no.

And only once a semester could a girl come to your dorm room. And the door had to be open. And both feet had to be on the floor.

Here I am. 19, 20, 21, 22 year-old Jeff. Pretending NOT to be gay.

The same Jeff that joined a fraternity. Pretending not to be gay.

My fraternity was 90% baseball players. .01 theater students when I joined.

I still like theater. I still love baseball players.

The same Jeff that signed up to compete in the Beau of the Blue contest in the John L. Hill Chapel.

Back story.

Every year, there was a Belle of the Blue pageant competition.

Girls from each dorm competed to win a scholarship. It was a big deal. Everyone attended.

And years prior, one of the sororities had dreamed up the male version of this pageant.

Beau of the Blue.

If it were held today, it would be football and baseball players, competing shirtless.

I don’t know if this still happens, but if we did this today at least 12 states have outlawed these performances.

Back in the innocent days of the late 80’s, the boys pageant, was a drag show.

One representative from each dorm/frat house would compete for the coveted prize of Beau of the Blue.

In 1986, how could I NOT sign up.

The competition consisted of an evening gown competition, bathing suit, and talent.

Fun fact. I do NOT make a pretty woman. I’ve done drag a handful of times in my life.

I.

Do.

Not.

Make.

A.

Pretty Woman.

But once upon a time I could hold a tune.

I based my entire drag personality for the show on my talent.

For the life of me I cannot remember anyone’s talent.

What I do remember clear as day is my talent.

There is a back story to this song, but I was a hug fan of Julie Brown’s Because I’m Blonde.

The opening lines:

Because I’m blonde, I don’t have to think
I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks
Don’t have to worry about getting a man
If I keep this blonde and I keep these tan

They continue:

I never learned to read and I never learned to cook
Why should I bother when I look like I look?
I know lots of people are smarter than me
But I have this philosophy: So what?

I somehow convince my friend Jayne to learn this song and accompany me. We rehearsed and rehearsed.

And I was probably pretty bad, but it was funny and it made me laugh.

Along comes that fateful Saturday night.

I bring my costumes to the John L. Hill Chapel. (I think it’s funny that we performed in the colleges chapel).

The show started and I did my thing.

And along comes the talent and my name is called.

I have no idea what my name was, but i come out center stage, grab the mic and say:

Hi my name is________________.

I’d like to dedicate the song I’m going to perform for my talent tonight to Dean Donnelly.

Jayne started to play.

I started to sing:

I took an IQ test, and I flunked it, of course
I can’t spell VW, but I got a Porsche

I just want to say that being chosen as this month’s Miss August is like a compliment I’ll remember for as long as I can. Right now I’m a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA, but my goal is to become a veterinarian, ’cause I love children.

Girls think I’m snotty, and maybe it’s true
With my hair and body, you would be too

I finished.

The audience roared.

Backstory:

First, Dean Donnelly was a judge that night.

She also did NOT like me.

I had complained about some things.

I also made a stink when she suggested that instead of a snowball fight, we all get in our cars and drive to Lexington for some fun.

Cars/Snow. Great combination.

And she was BLONDE. DOLLY PARTON BLONDE. BLEACHED BLONDE. BLONDE, BLONDE, BLONDE.

I did NOT win.

I did NOT place.

Dean Donnelly never spoke to me again.

It was my first time doing drag.

And as I’ve learned since, drag always has a message.

I’m just not sure Georgetown was ready for my message.

Fun fact: I did this performance my senior year. The very next year a REAL drag queen from Lexington won the competition.